Monday, March 2, 2015

Getting Clean

I weighed in today. In one week I've lost 7.8lbs. I slaved every minute of every day of the last seven days to hear that see the numbers on the scale plummet.

And yet, as I sit here tonight, stuffed to the point of nearly being sick, after my nighttime snack of a protein bar turned into a binge of 2 bags of pre-measured pop chips and an apple. All innocuous in their ability to sabotage the work I've done- those things are probably not going to amount to a gain. They fit within my points...but its how I ate them.... feverishly...desperately....stuffing down things I cannot yet put a finger on....things that some cavernous void deep within me....that I need to fill then bury.

I have no hook or special ending for you, in the telling of this story,friends. Just my truth, in this moment. And shame.  Oh the fullness feels shameful. I thought of purging. How I would do it- shower running, fan turned up...toothbrush down my throat....

And I just could not go there...that next level of darkness.

So I'm sitting with the discomfort.

For tonight.

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